I was having a talk with a friend recently. She had issues accepting this new guy..
What was his problem?
He loves and cares about her!!
Ok, what is the problem?
She is afraid of being intimate with him. Because she has been hurt before.
True love may not only be hard to find, but strange as it may seem, it can be even be more difficult to accept and tolerate. Most of us say that we want to find a loving partner, but many of us have deep-seated fears of intimacy that make it difficult to be in a close relationship. The experience of real love often threatens our self-defenses and raises our anxiety as we become vulnerable and open ourselves up to another person. This leads to a fear of intimacy.
Falling in love not only brings excitement and fulfillment; it also creates anxiety and fears of rejection and potential loss. For this reason many people shy away from loving relationships when we experience rejection or emotional pain, we often shut down. We learn not to rely on others as a coping mechanism. We may even begin to rely on fantasy gratification rather than actual interactions with other people; unlike people, fantasies cannot hurt us. We may prefer these fantasy over actual personal interactions and real affection. After being hurt in our earliest relationships, we fear being hurt again. We are reluctant to take another chance on being loved.
The negative feelings we developed toward ourselves in our early years, became a deeply embedded part of who we think we are. Therefore, when someone is loving us, we experience a conflict within ourselves. So, we often react with suspicion and distrust when someone loves us, because our fear of intimacy has been aroused….
Like they say, the same wall that keeps out hurt also keeps out love. However, we can overcome fear of intimacy. We can develop ourselves to stop being afraid of love and let someone in. We can recognize the behaviors that are driven by our fear of intimacy and challenge them. We can remain vulnerable in our love relationship by resisting retreating into a fantasy of love or engaging in distancing and withholding behaviors. We can learn to “sweat through” the anxiety of being close without pulling away, and gradually increase our tolerance for being loved. By taking the actions necessary to challenge our fear of intimacy, we can expand our capacity for both giving and accepting love. You need to be deliberate. Never allow yourself fold up into your emotional comfort zone of fantasy. The real deal is always better.. No matter your past experience, there is always a better experience.